Literature that Broke Me Out of Organized Religion

I grew up in Fundamentalist, Evangelical Christianity. I was homeschooled by my parents, I went to church every Sunday, youth group two times a week, and attended Christian college. I didn't have any friends who weren't the same religion as me and I lived my life in constant fear that I wasn't living up to the expectations my parents, the church, and even God had for me. When I questioned things I'd been taught or failed to read my Bible regularly, the guilt ate at me and I was convinced I was going to hell and had never truly been a Christian. I used to pray every night on a loop for God to save me from hell and keep my family safe. 

When I went to college, even though it was a Christian one, it was the first time I lived away from my parents. Even though I was still being taught the same damaging things I always had been, it was coming from different sources and I was able to parse through everything myself without the influence of parents, older siblings, and youth pastors. I was an English major who relished reading new books and writing papers; I was exposed to new ideas from various cultures. It wasn't perfect and the curriculum was limited with every class mentioning Christianity multiple times a lecture, but the English professors still introduced me to works that began to change my way of thinking, opening up my worldview. I'd always questioned, but now the guilt had lessened and I felt free to express myself in new ways and change how I thought about who God was and how the universe worked. I wouldn't truly break out of religion until after I graduated college, but it was a start. 

The two works I want to talk about didn't make me give up on religion and Christianity all together (that would come later), but they showed me that what I'd been taught wasn't necessarily right. They broadened any black and white thinking I'd grown up with. And for me it was a crucial first step in my journey away from the constricting worldview I'd always had.

The first was in a collection of stories by the Sioux writer and activist Zitkala-Sa. She was taken from her reservation as a child by Quaker missionaries and put in an assimilation school for Native children. In her essay "The Great Spirit" she glories in nature and reawakens a connection to the Great Spirit while her kinsman, who has converted to Christianity, tries to convince her to go to church. 

"The little incident recalled to mind the copy of a missionary paper brought to my notice a few days ago, in which a "Christian" pugilist commented upon a recent article of mine, grossly perverting the spirit of my pen. Still I would not forget that the pale-faced missionary and the hoodooed aborigine are both God's creatures, though small indeed their own conceptions of Infinite Love. A wee child toddling in a wonder world, I prefer to their dogma my excursions into the natural gardens where the voice of the Great Spirit is heard in the twittering of birds, the rippling of mighty waters, and the sweet breathing of flowers." - Zitkala-Sa

It was this idea, that God could be found in nature, which convinced me to stop going to church. 

The second work was Silence by Shusaku Endo. Set in Japan, it tells the story of Portuguese missionaries in the 17th century who have been sent to help a community undergoing extreme religious persecution. The main character, Sebastian, struggles with his faith and the silence of God. At the end of the novel, he is given the choice to either renounce his religion and save a group of Japanese Christians or be martyred and condemn them to death. He ultimately makes the decision to renounce his faith and God. 

I remember when we read this book in my class, the professor made us stand on different sides of the room depending on if we thought Sebastian had made the right choice. I was the only one who completely defended his actions. My whole life I'd heard about great Christian martyrs who died in defense of their faith; my dad had a book he made me read for a school assignment that was all about them and their stories. I'd hear again and again as a child about people around the world who were killed for being Christians and I'd be asked again and again whether I would defend Jesus if I had a gun to my head. Real pleasant things to think about as a child, let me tell you. The choice that Sebastian made in this novel went completely against everything I'd been taught my whole life about martyrdom, but it made perfect sense. Being martyred would have been the selfish choice, and nobody else in my class got that. 

There's a lot more I could say about my journey away from Christianity, but it's too long to put all in one post. Suffice to say, these two stories made a huge impact on me and my life at the time I read them. I would definitely recommend any work by Zitkala-Sa, she was an incredible writer and woman. However, I probably won't ever read Silence again and I don't know that I'd necessarily recommend it to every reader; maybe just those stuck in organized religion like I was. But it is a beautifully written book and I thank it for the impact it had on my life; I've just grown past it and I can't revisit it without thinking about a painful reality of my childhood. I'll leave you with this: books can truly change the trajectory of your life if you let them.